Split Peas

Never trust a word unless the words
are coming from her

Never able to question her motives
though she scrutinized my own.

I didn't know she had anxieties
and
I didn't know I had my own

Then came the day my child was born.

I feared for myself,
for himself,

because it took them a second to smile,

they banged the dished too loud,

they forgot to say hello.

These thoughts were all my own.

But the machine churning them was not something that was just born

It came from her

I believed every word she said.

I was smart, I was lazy, very needy

Until I dared to utter names back to her

You ignore us, you need us, you talk to us

when it is a convenience to you.

So, I've split you.

I was told  the splitting was something done subconsciously

To help me understand what was going on when she

Would do things and say things that contradicted the peace

I believe  she tried to give to me

I understand her and I don’t
and it’s that confusion that has me searching through my own webs of vines

Because I don’t want to be another pea split by her sprout.